What the heck happened?

As many of you saw on my facebook posts, or rather my sister’s I was admitted to the hospital September 7. What on earth happened? It’s still somewhat of a mystery.  Here is my story.

In the winter I struggled with fatigue, but figured I’d pushed myself too much in Florida. I taught all spring and felt progressively better. I was feeling much better after taking some supplements for adrenal health which was my diagnosis by a naturopath. May-June I felt great. In July I got a virus and began crashing after the writer’s conference. By August I was nauseous a lot and growing anxious over stupid things again. I assumed it was just a little anxiety and once I began work and got into a routine I’d be fine again.

By September I felt weird and weak. I spent the 4-6th in bed most of the day from weakness.  The night of the 6th into the 7th I developped this unquenchable thirst. I tried to keep it under control, but couldn’t. About 2am my body started twitching, but I was able to keep it under control, calmed down and went to bed though never slept. By 7:45am I had texted people to pray for me, I felt weird and had an appointment anyhow to see a Dr. We got to the clinic and I could barely walk in the door. I vomitted in the waiting room-for the first time in my life since I was six years old. Yep. That’s when they asked me if I didn’t mind getting in an ambulance because I needed to go to the ER and if I went in it they’d take me right away. I said yes. The next thing I know is trying to stand, but I couldn’t. The guy was asking me why I needed to keep my eyes closed. I said I didn’t know and said I had to lay down. That is all I remember.

The next thing I know I woke up to my aunt, uncle, and mom with me in the hospital, machines, nurses, and a doctor.  I was like–Is it my birthday?!  They told me no, it’s the 10th! The 10th! I was shocked. I couldn’t believe I’d been out of it for that long. It’s the weirdest feeling in the world being a 33year old in an ambulance and waking up a 34 year old three days later in ICU. I couldn’t believe my Pastor, his wife, and another lady from church came later that day. My friend Abby and her even her boyfriend who I hardly have seen came to see me that night. I knew then it must have been pretty serious.

I was pretty outta it those first days, apparently I did talk on my birthday and they sang to me. I had so many tests I’m just finding out about now because they have been trying to figure out what happened. I’ve had MRIs, ekg, ecg, ultrasounds, a bunch of auto immune tests. Most of which I don’t remember. Now I know I’m negative for pregnancy hahahahaha we all knew that, HIV, Lyme, Lupus, and a few other obvious things. The good good news is I do not have a brain tumor or epilepsy either. I did have pneumonia in my lungs from aspiration, but that has gone now.

What caused the seizure? Hyponaetremia, the fact I drank too much water too quickly it flushed nutrients out of my system. I had a super low amount of sodium in my body and that is what caused the seizure. I also had low potassium, magnesium, and am anemic(that last one we knew). To get sodium back in the body you have to go slow, so they spent the last week pumping it into me through IVs. Along with potassium. Magnesium I took pills. The first couple days I didn’t eat and also had food pumped through IV, but they took that one out once I ate on the 9th apparently. I don’t recall…

Since then it’s been a mystery what caused my crazy thirst that night. And what has caused my fatigue.

When I had the seizure this muscle protein broke down and got in my bloodstream. It’s called cpk and the normal amount is under 100. My count was 68,000 which is also pretty dangerous. They call it rhabdomyolysis.

The sodium chloride IV cleanses that as well, so they were also waiting for that count to go down. It wasn’t getting any higher, but they will be monitoring it along with all my other stuff. My liver function was low. And when I had the seizure my adrenal glands did not respond at all. They are functioning now though and seem to be fine. The doctor told me to stop those herbs. They’d probably been making me feel funny. I’d taken them that night and taken melatonin. I’m a little concerned perhaps the combination of the two caused me to get so thirsty?? The herbs have to be out of my system by now so I should be good.

I left ICU Monday after a second MRI. They all remembered me in that room, and I had no recollection. Weirdest thing, but probably good cuz that was not a fun machine. Lol.

The ICU was beautiful at Griffin. Very homey. The nurses were amazing, though I really only remember one, Jocelyn who was so kind. My mom left cards for others, I can’t remember. For someone with a fantastic memory this whole memory blank thing is strange.

The floor I ended up on was quieter than ICU and I had my own room the first night thankfully or I think I would have been too stressed. Then this girl came in with a mirgraine. She was miserable and after that I haven’t been sleeping as well this week. However each day as the cpk level has dropped and my sodium has risen I have felt progressively better. Able to walk to the bathroom (you don’t even want to know how dehumanizing it feels to wake seeing a catheter in you in addition to all the IVs) and no longer strapped down on my back to sleep.

The last few days have felt safe knowing I am taken care of. I’ve been a little skeptical anxious of some nurses, but overall Terri, Jamie, and this one I can’t remember her name with long dark hair were also great.

I also appreciated Dawn and Monica who I know that work at Griffin who stopped by to see my on their breaks.  Sue came twice and that was so nice to have company. Kim and Leticia, Kris, and I know I’m forgetting others. Thank you for visiting. It meant so much to not have to sit in those rooms alone!

Once the roomate’s headache wore off she turned out to be nice though she didn’t sleep at night from it and that disrupted my sleep which was stressful.

All the levels are within a more normal range which is why they were able to send me home.

I still have to go for follow-ups because not all the tests are back.

Two thyroid tests have come back positive. I had ana antibody in my blood which means they sent for more thyroid tests. The other one that came back positive is the anti-thyroglobulin. Symptoms of that are fatigue, coldness all the time, and growth of hair on your body. That seems to explain my fatigue the doctor said. I tested weak, so it’s just something to keep an eye on because my thyroid is producing hormones fine right now.

I also had thrush. Random.

They also diagnosed me with anxiety due to my traumatic year and told me to see a counselor right away.

I’m going to continue seeing the rheumatoid doctor for the cpk and muscle fatigue because some of his tests still have no come back. I’ll see him this week.

They also suggested I see an ENT for my allergies/swallowing issues. Not quite as crucial.

Everything from the neurologist was fine.

For someone who is never sick in my life this is all the strangest experience. I’ve always been skeptical of healthcare, doctors, and the whole field because I’ve been grateful enough to be healthy. Or if I was sick it was minor or God healed me quickly. (Aside from that broken wrist stint). This past year of fatigue has been really strange for me, but I’m thankful for answers.

About a week before this all happened I had a dream I got a blood test, so after that I kept saying I needed one which is why I had made the appointment to go to the clinic. I think as much as it sucked God’s timing was perfect because I was already at the clinic and able to get to the ER within minutes of blacking out.  Because of that dream I had been asking God to cleanse me with His blood. I’d say my blood is cleansed over and over this past week! His blood cleansed me and saved me and He used this amazing team of professionals to save my life as well.

In the weeks leading up to this I’d been feeling crappy as I said. I’d been feeling pretty forgotten and unloved for some reason. I feel like God had been using people to remind me that God did care, that He hadn’t abandoned me, and He had a plan. After that blood test dream I had such an ominous feeling though and actually began praying “God it is not my time,” “Lord save my life,” “Lord please take this burden of fatigue from me because I can’t handle it anymore,” and well I’d say He answered all of those prayers. As I blacked out in the ambulance I remember saying “Jesus, Jesus, it’s not my time.” I think those were my last words.  I thank the Lord for His crucifixion on the cross because the suffering He went through was so much greater. But He went through it when He was 33 as well. Strange connection, but I have such an appreciation for His suffering. He held me in the ICU and continues to. He’s been carrying this burden and I’m trusting Him to use these doctors to continue to help me heal. He doesn’t want me to be weak, but in my weakness He is strong.

I am so so so so so so so so so thankful and grateful for ALL of your prayers for my life around the world!  From Malta, to Florida, to England, and everywhere in between from all my churches and studios I have gotten so much love. The nurses commented on what a fantastic community of people are in my life. One nurse said-you must be a really special person.  I love you guys and thank you so much for your love and thank God for you all.

Please come visit me in the coming weeks as I will be stuck at home gaining my strength back!

There’s so much more to the story, but this is the nutshell.  I’ll keep you updated as things come up. I don’t mind talking about it at all because it was the strangest experience-to top off a crazy last couple years!

Here’s to healings and new beginnings. Let’s celebrate my birthday, so I can remember it when I’m feeling better!

The Green Monster

Read my Flash Fiction Story here

For those of you who weren’t aware I’ve been raised to be a Red Sox fan since birth. My grandmother was a die-hard fan and the minister even combined the Red Sox winning the World Series into her funeral service. A former player that she’d befriend even attended her funeral. She passed away a couple years after they finally won, and though she never made it to my sister’s wedding or even any of her grandchildren’s college graduations, we were happy she got to see them finally win the series.

My dad, since he lived in Boston for so many years, has stayed a fan, though since my grandmother passed some of the excitement has died down. Since I always had fun opposing my Yankees friends I remained faithful to the Red Sox and enjoyed my four years of college in Boston surrounded by fellow fans.

So a couple months ago I saw Splickety was looking for submissions about sports love stories and I thought perhaps I might be able to write one.

The idea came to me when I remembered one time, almost ten years ago, when I performed with a dance company I was in at a minor league team during halftime. Aside from our dance they also had us facilitate a dance contest with the team’s mascot. I took that experience, stretched it, and voila. Hope you enjoy it!

http://splickety.com/green-monster-flash-fiction/

A Different Kind of Journey

I grew up with parents who wrote. Articles. Devotions. A book that got published. Computer programs. I walked in K-mart and saw the signs.

As a kid I loved to write stories. I’d make up series, mysteries, and all sorts of things. I remember sitting on rocks in a stream with one of my friends writing poetry. We were eight. But I can be competitive. Being the best at everything came naturally to me all my life, unless it had to do with music or sports, but even in those I wasn’t terrible. If I tried, I excelled.

Then high school hit. I thought I wasn’t the best writer, despite winning the English award. Other friends wanted to expand their vocabularies for the SATs, but my dad was the king of SATs. He wrote a computer program on them. He taught classes on them. I rolled my eyes at his large vocabulary and wanted nothing to do with that, or writing. I determined to use simple words so people could actually understand what I said.

But I still liked to read and somehow ended up with an English degree in addition to my theatre degree because when I thought about it I enjoyed reading almost as much as theatre.

I had a lot of free time when I graduated college and wrote two Nanowrimo novels that need a ton of editing, but maybe one day I’ll edit them. Comparison is such a thief though and I didn’t write fiction for almost seven years.

I opened the performing arts center. I wrote programs, flyers, emails, but nothing creative except three plays-which many of you have seen.

During my stay in Malta someone encouraged me to write again. I wrote five chapters, but I set them aside for months. A year later in Scotland for whatever reason the McConnells gave me that extra push and I’ve been on a mission to finish what I started ever since. I told myself, just one book. I will write just one book and then be done.

I’m beginning to think there will be more than one book.

I’ve fought writing for almost twenty years, but I think ten year old Joanna would be in awe at the conference I went to this weekend.

I actually expected people to tell me I should stick to dancing or go back to theatre. But no one did. Instead every person I spoke with was interested in some capacity. Seven agents/editors that I spoke with requested more. I never thought I’d even have options. Of course this is only the beginning.

I have some praying to do. I’ve been challenged now to make a few major changes to the style of my writing. I think deep down I knew it needed to be done, but I just didn’t think I could do it. I wasn’t exactly sure HOW to go about making those changes. This week I’m immersing myself in articles, podcasts, and books to elaborate on those comments, helping me understand the feedback.

I also feel like I need to find a professional to guide or mentor me. I’ve always had dance teachers leading the way, or acting coaches, but with this I’m going into it somewhat blind. The conference was a huge blessing! I no longer feel as blind. This is why if you’ve requested to read my novel don’t be offended if I say no. I’m being particular with who reads it because already I’ve had to change things back due to poor feedback.

This has been a really weird year, but I think the transition is ending. I start teaching dance again next month. And on the off days I’m going to write. I believe ten year old Joanna always knew someday she’d write novels, but fifteen year old Joanna decided dance was way cooler. Thirty-$%#@ year old Joanna is skeptical and a bit overwhelmed knowing how much work is ahead of her. But it seems like it might be possible.

I am shaking my head in awe at God’s favor over my life in certain areas. I have always been convinced when I had an idea for a play or a dance that God was behind it, and once again I know God is behind this novel making sure it becomes the best it can be. I’m hopeful, excited, and moaning about how much editing I have to do!

I’ve added a mailing list thing on here and would encourage you to subscribe so I can build my social media platform for agents AND keep you informed on the journey. Instead of traipsing Europe I’ll be on a different kind of journey, but I still want you to be on it with me!

Mailing List

Sign up for my mailing list HERE

You’ll get the latest on my travels, performances, theatre, dance, and my writing!

All my single damas

On one of my trips to Mexico we sat in the back of a pick-up singing at the top of our lungs a Spanglish version of Single Ladies.  There’s a video on my facebook page somewhere, but my point is we determined we were “all the single damas.”  I tend to avoid writing about relationships on here.  I can be extremely open with people, but when it comes to talking about guys I’m closed off unless I trust you.  Tonight I guess I’m feeling trusting of the world.

I went to a conference in Orlando in December and tonight I happened to see a tweet pop up (ugh yes I have twitter now…cringe @jbdancer98 ) from one of the speakers.  Hannah something.  Turns out she’s from CT and we have a bunch of mutual friends.  Go figure.  Anyhow she wrote:

“To all the single girls out there: I’m sorry on behalf of anyone who ever told you you weren’t close enough to God to fall in love.”

Have you ever been told that?

I know I have.  On more than one occasion.  Maybe you were smart enough to brush it off or ignore it.  I wasn’t. In high school we were told that many times.  “Once you’re closer to God and grow and mature you’ll find someone.”  So I believed that all through high school I just wasn’t ready.   I spent four years of college convincing myself that I was old enough to date and that it was okay to date.  That dating wasn’t a sin.  Because remember how everyone kissed dating good-bye?  Yeah.  There was that.

In my 20’s when I finally figured out all that and I had a couple failed almost “relationships” that weren’t even really real I was told many lies.   By friends.  It happens, right?

“You’re pretty, but you’re not attractive.”

“Maybe God doesn’t want you to get married.”

And yes, “Maybe you just aren’t close enough to God.”

Or also known as, “maybe you need to just give everything up to God.”

To which I remember responding, “I would have 20 husbands if I had a husband for every time I gave everything up to God.”

I hate that I believed that lie for a good part of my 20’s.  I let people convince me once I got closer to God I would fall in love.  LIES!!!  Because you know what?  You will never be “close enough” to God.  You’ll never be “good enough.”  If I compared myself, which I definitely did, I saw friends getting pregnant.  And they weren’t close to God at all, but they got married.  I was living my life “by the book,” but it wasn’t doing me any good.  I actually believed if I was good enough or closest to God, of all my friends, then God would reward me for my efforts and good behavior in the end.  Because doesn’t He reward those who seek him?   I guess.  And I was positive, because I had waited so long, my first serious relationship would be the person I would marry.  God was surely going to reward that.

Instead God taught me about grace and forgiveness.  I know that relationship grew me, and it also humbled me.

And in the meantime my “single damas” dwindled.  I watched people who had committed “the worst sins” (let’s face it, we all rank sins.) getting married as I sat by just waiting.

At some point, I don’t know when, I had “done” literally everything people told me to do to find a husband.  (Side note: Granted the majority of the time I didn’t worry about it, I wasn’t too focused on that part of my life, I danced in NYC, ran a performing arts center, was career driven, I didn’t know many guys, I figured God would just work it all out whenever.  I really did spend the majority of my 20’s being pretty confident God had it under control.)  As I got closer and closer to 30 I began to wonder.  So in addition to “giving it all to God” I did the “normal” things people do.  I changed churches, made an online dating profile (that one lasted one week because the only people that messaged were decades older than me!), let friends set me up, dated someone that I actually cared about but just wasn’t right, went on trips…Okay clarifying I did not go to Malta for a man-definitely not-but after three prophecies that I’d meet my husband there…I began to wonder.   I still wonder.  False prophecies?  God knows.

I truly believe God led me on a crazy adventure, and contrary to modern Christianity the goal of those trips wasn’t marriage.  I know the first thing a lot of people have told me, “I expected you to return married…” um thanks?  Let me tell you about what God DID do in Malta and the UK over these last two years!   Where to begin?

But somewhere in the church we make marriage the end all be all goal of Christianity.  Yet that’s not at all what the Bible teaches.  In fact Paul preaches quite the opposite.  He says it’s better to be single.  The goal of a Christian shouldn’t be marriage, especially when it starts to become an idol, taking the role of a god in your life.  Marriage can be a dream and a goal in life, but it is not the purpose of life.  What does the Westminster catechism say?  Our purpose (chief end of man) is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

I left my 20s and now everyone asks me, “Why would you even want to be married?” because so many of my friends have been married for a while now.  And they tell me it’s not easy.  And I see it.  I’ve lived with enough families over the years to hear the bickering, see the unfaithfulness, and pain.  But shouldn’t everyone’s chief end be to enjoy God and glorify Him forever?  Single or married.  And I see my parents and other successful, healthy marriages, I see unity, teamwork, and companionship.  I see how they glorify God through their marriages.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where I had to pass a really long test.  The teacher giving it was an angel.  A giant being in a long maroon robe that was neither male or female with chin length brown hair.  My test was longer than everyone else in the room’s test.  There was a list of all the things I had to do and I was looking it over to make sure I’d done everything.   At the end I was waiting for the results and a friend from college asked me if I still wanted to get married.  I answered OF COURSE.

Most of my life I have denied it the answer to that question.  I usually told people I didn’t want to get married, or I would be okay if I didn’t.  If I search down deep in my heart I knew that wasn’t true.  I have been too embarrassed to admit I want to get married.  Because if I am single and if I say I don’t want to get married, it’s fine.  People leave you alone.  But if you say you want to be married everyone has to analyze it.  They want to figure you out.  They want to tell you what to do.  And that is where we as a church get it wrong sometimes.  That is when people tell us we’re not enough.

We believe lies.  We tell lies.  We hear lies.  And the root is fear.  And the things people tell us feed the fear.

We’re afraid.

We’re afraid we won’t ever get married, so we say we don’t want to marry.  And okay I know that is not everyone’s story, but it is for some.

We’re afraid we’re not close enough to God.

We’re afraid we missed some sign or person or something.

We’re afraid we aren’t trying hard enough or doing enough.

The list can go on, but they are all lies.

So to all my single damas who were told they haven’t fallen in love because…

they’re not close enough to God

not pretty enough

not smart enough

not flirtatious enough

too flirtatious

Whatever you’ve been told, just know it’s a lie.

You are just enough.

You are pretty enough.

You are smart enough.

You are the right amount of flirtatious

The truth is YOU ARE LOVED.

You are worth it.

You are held in the palm of the Creator, the infinite one who knows every hair on your beautiful head, and knows every step you take.  He knew you before you were born.  He knew exactly when everything would happen in your life.  And He knows what is going to happen.

He knew the choices you would make.

And He still loves you.

And for right now, just rest in that.  Hold onto your hope.  He’s in the waiting.

When God does finally decide to bring the right one, if He has marriage as part of His plan for your life, we’ll know it was NONE of our own doing and ALL His.   And He will be glorified.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three, but the greatest of these is love.

 

His Strength is Perfect

When I was a teenager one of the highlights of my year was when friends from my former pastors church in Plymouth, MA would come down to visit.  The year we ordained my parent’s current pastor my friends and I danced to a Steven Curtis Chapman song (oh yeahhh remember him?) called “His Strength is Perfect.”   My friend Hannah (yes the one in England) can probably still recite all the words, but what I remember is:

His strength is perfect when my strength is gone….something something  to carry on

Haha yep.  And that is what has been going through my head lately.

I’ve been encountering a lot of trivial normal every day things that feel so difficult as I come out of this fatigue I’ve experienced for the last two months.  Some days it’s driving, other times it’s just making it through a conversation, or sitting up in a normal chair when all I want to do is lay down.  My heart would race and pound after the slightest amount of exercise.  Too much stress.  Moving stress.  Unemployment stress.  So many unknowns and so many new things.

I’ve had some really physical lows lately.  But emotionally everything has been great.  For some reason people keep thinking my fatigue equals depression, but it doesn’t at all.

I’m learning that I’m not as invincible as I thought.  I think there’s something about dancers that makes us push ourselves further and further because we know that’s how we improve.  But I’m learning that sometimes we have limits.  And that’s ok.

So after prayer and just utter complete weakness I realized that I need to stop pushing myself and return to Connecticut for a season where I can let myself completely recover in a place where I have support and understanding.

Once I made the decision I got two of the three jobs I applied to in CT.  (Whereas in Florida I had applied to over 60 and gotten nothing but a bunch of interviews).

I feel at peace about my decision, I feel like it’s been confirmed, and I’m ready now.

I know His strength is mine.  When I feel like I’m going to faint, He is mine.  When I can’t breathe it’s His breath in my lungs that pours out my praise.  And His name.  There is nothing more powerful.  When all else has failed I call out His name and it always gets me through.  Whether it’s 5 more minutes of driving before I get off the exit, another half hour at a store, or just a walk around the block.  His name never fails.  It somehow renews me and makes me strong enough.

And when I can’t sleep, the adrenaline is racing my heart, and the melatonin isn’t even helping I recite the 23rd Psalm.  Over and over.  Picturing the hills Scotland and the fields of Derbyshire, England with peaceful sheep calmly grazing by still waters.  I’m thankful God gave me those moments.

On the upside, I’m feeling much better than I did a month ago, though it’s slow, I’m now taking supplements and herbs that really seem to be helping.

Thank you all so much for being part of this journey!  Don’t lose touch if you’re far from CT and know that you are ALWAYS welcome if you ever visit NYC or Boston I’m just a quick train ride away.  And if you’re in CT.  I’m back….well Saturday.

All Things New

Charis Performing Arts Center opened in August 2009.  It ran until fall 2014 when I moved to Malta to open an arts center there.  Though I did direct three plays in Malta God had other plans and placed me in England where I lived with a family that ran a refugee center.  Upon my return to Malta last March I lived with a family where the dad interviewed refugees and asylum seekers for the EU.  Meanwhile my sister’s family worked with MAIS placing refugees in homes in Brazil.  These crazy two years I also lived with the family who lost their youngest child and after their dad’s recent trip to Iraq they started a foundation in memory of their daughter to help refugees.

I’ve been praying and asking and wondering why God keeps placing me with people that are so passionate about refugees.  As I struggled with visas, got forced to leave a country, and then finally got my residency only to leave again I’ve been relating to refugees in a sense.  But the reality is I still have clothing, I still have a roof over my head (even if I’ve been in a different house every week this fall I’ve still had a place to live.)  I may be currently overwhelmed and dealing with unusual tiredness and anxiety due to stress/adrenal fatigue, but there is healthcare available in my country.  There are jobs available.  I don’t step out my door fearing for my life.

So I’ve been thinking of ways to go beyond dance and theatre (since God hasn’t opened any doors in those areas for me right now) and have been looking for ways to use other gifts.   That said, since Charis is still officially a business in CT I’m launching a new part of Charis.

Charis Clothing.

Each clothing item is uniquely upcycled with an inspirational message.

50% percent of every purchase will be donated to a specific cause that will help refugees.  Depending on the needs we will be buying tents for Yazidi refugees, helping a school with Samaritan’s Purse in Iraq stay open, helping the Syrian refugees coming to Brazil, and eventually I would also like to donate to the centre I helped at in England that is helping refugees and asylum seekers in their own community.

I will be auctioning individual shirts on my instagram page jbdancer over the coming weeks.  (I will share the photos on my facebook, but you must bid on instagram).  Simply place your bid in the comment below and tag the person who previously bidded on the item, so they know you outbid them.  Each auction will run for 48 hours only.  Once the auction has closed I will directly message you on how to send money via paypal.

I look forward to seeing what other new things God has planned for this coming year!

Here’s a sneak peek of some of what will be available soon!

Deeper than my feet can wander

And so begins another year in a similar way as last year, God forcing me to trust Him in even further.  Jobless, homeless, and everything up in the air once again. I’ve walked far out on the water, away from the safety of the boat, sinking, but trying hard to grasp hold of the hand that’s supposedly holding me.  It’s pulling me up, so I can walk on waters again.

All those waters I’ve crossed.  Places I’ve walked, a different water every month this year.

From the Hudson River and New York City to Plymouth Harbor early last year.  Then flying across the Atlantic, brief stopover in London then exploring Rome.  The ancient Tiber river which we crossed many times that week, exploring so many things in that eternal city, even though it was my fourth visit, as I got to know yet another family I was to live with.  Back to the turquoise Mediterranean that became my sanctuary, my happy place, that lovely giant hill overlooking the sea in Manikata, Ghajn Tuffieha, St Thomas Bay, Gozo, and all over those beautiful Maltese islands.  A day didn’t go by without the sea.

The rivers in Belgium, the quaint cities of Ghent and Bruges, those haunting buildings, and complete immersion in Flemish language and culture.

And then the summer ending on those glorious beaches in Sicily where my great-grandparents walked.  Bittersweet ending to my time in the Med.

A week later touring a fjord on a boat in Norway.

All the people I met along the way, some of my dearest friends now I didn’t even know a year ago!

Back home to Connecticut, but the journey didn’t end.

There was Silver Sands, New Jersey, rivers in Maryland, West Virginia, Kentucky, and all the way to that laketop restaurant in Old Hickory, TN.  Nashville to Birmingham AL and a very long bridge on the panhandle of Florida.  Then Orlando, the Kissimmee lakefront, volleyball on the lake, and then West Palm Beach, Palm Beach Island, Delray, Boynton Beach, and swimming under sunsets and moonlight in November.

Then it all came full circle.  I flew north over muddy rivers edged with snow in Philadelphia, New Jersey, and back up the familiar hills, rivers, trees, and densely populated metropolis of the tri-state area where I began 2016.

I never imagined 2016 would surpass 2015 when it came to travel, it didn’t seem possible.  After almost a different city, bed, couch, floor, in the last four months makes me more than ready to stay in one place.  I am ready for the healing of my heart, adrenal glands, body, and soul to begin.

As the new year begins I am beyond grateful for the adventures, for each and every person who has loved me along the way.  Thank you for exploring with me!  It has not always ben easy.  Thank you for listening and encouraging me as I made so many major life changing decisions this year. Thank you for showing me your cities and countries. The cliffs in Malta, shores of Sicily, bridges of Belgium, and everything in between.  Europe I love you!  And my American friends, don’t ever take your job, your house, your ability to thrive in your community, and to be part of a community for granted.  Bloom where you’re planted, if you’re planted somewhere.  Thank you to those communities who have embraced me in Florida.  Thank you to everyone who’s welcomed me into their homes and made this my most adventurous year.  I am so blessed.  So overwhelmed.  So 2017.  I’m ready.  Ready for some peace, rest, and maybe less adventures this year?

Anxiety vs Peace

Reverse culture-shock.  I was only gone about a year total.  I didn’t think I’d experience it.  And I’m not even sure.  Maybe I’m experiencing culture shock in my own country.

No one tells you it’s the little things.  Driving again after not driving for over a year.  In new cities, with different ways of setting up lanes and roads.  Bigger cities than suburban CT, but not big enough to rival Boston or NYC.  Parallel parking.  There’s things that escaped your mind.  Cops carry guns.  Things aren’t so safe.  And my car was broken into.  Robbed of a few of the possessions I still possess that are actually worth something.  But I don’t even really care because there are bigger concerns to worry about.  They’re just things and can be replaced.

There’s a fluctuating bank account, dwindling, then earning a tiny bit from working one day every couple weeks.  Not exactly what I expected, but nothing has been this year.

But I finally got to Trader Joe’s, even though I barely bought anything there was something familiar and far off landish about being back there.  Like those years in CT are becoming more like a dream.  The Spanish supermarket is my favourite, it’s smaller, less overwhelming, cheaper, and it carries things I didn’t know we had in America. If you’re ever missing some place outside the US you should go to one just for an adventure.

Then there’s meeting new people, all over again.  I like it, but I’m hoping these will be people I will continue to see for longer than a month or two.  I’m over all the moving around.

I feel oddly homesick for a place that doesn’t exist somewhere between Malta, the UK, and Northeast.  I thought Florida would be the best mix, but it’s its own culture.  Which is totally fine, just more different than I expected.  I don’t feel like I’m in America because it doesn’t feel anything like the Northeast.  I still turn surprised to actually hear English coming out of people’s mouths when they speak to me on a street.  Thank God for that. I’ve been overwhelmed by the number of strip malls and stores down here.  They’re so big.  I can’t imagine what people from other countries think when they come here if they’ve never seen a Walmart.  I was trying to explain to a Maltese friend that Walmart is literally ten times the biggest grocery store he could think of, and I wasn’t exaggerating.  And the Walmarts down here are all two or three times the size of the ones in CT and they’re open 24hrs.

I’m oversharing just to explain that though sometimes people’s lives look adventurous and exciting sometimes that does get overwhelming at times.  I’ve never dealt with anxiety ever in my life before, even in all my traveling this last year I never felt scared or nervous, unless I was on a plane.  I knew God had a plan and it was good.  But a week ago I had some sort of panic attack while driving, I was praying, telling God He wasn’t doing things fast enough, that I need a job NOW, and I had to pull over cuz I was shaking and couldn’t breathe and it was kinda scary.  So I’ve been fighting a knot in my stomach, that feeling I only have ever had before on an airplane.  Apparently your body can go into shock after traveling constantly for months.  A new place every few weeks and your body can only handle so much adrenaline.  So I guess my body has caught up and said STOP Moving!  I’m struggling just getting into a car right now.  I’m totally up for going places if someone else drives.  But I had to drive two hours back up to Kissimmee to dogsit, I made it with frequent stops.    I just can’t think about being jobless and can’t think about money.  People tell me God’s got this.  I’ve seen Him get me everywhere this past year, but somehow the hope was dying?  The expectations were not met exactly how I expected.  I’m not where I thought I would be. So hope deferred can literally make the heart sick.  Waiting for those longings to be fulfilled has made me unusually anxious and impatient.

The only reason I’m sharing this is because as I was trying to catch my breath the other night I kept listening to this new Hillsong song called Prince of Peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIqUTMHl9Cs

It’s such a beautiful song!  The video is filmed in the Middle East and all I kept thinking about while listening to the song is how much worse off the people in the video are.  They’ve been moving around, they don’t have money, they don’t have homes, they don’t have jobs…I don’t really get why now I’m panicking about things.  I could have panicked walking by the military in the Brussels airport weeks after the bombing, but I didn’t.  I didn’t even really panic on those flights.  Anyhow, I was trying to imagine what people in the Middle East must be feeling.  If someone normal like me who doesn’t normally have anxiety how are they feeling?  If they’re fearing for their lives all the times there must be fear and panic.  Do they get knots in their stomachs that never go away?  Do their hearts constantly race?  Do they have trouble breathing?  Do they think they’re gonna die?  Do they have enough water to drink?  Are they cold?   Is there ANYTHING I can do about this aside from moving to Iraq, which I know I cannot handle anymore travel right now?  Is anyone with me on wanting to do something?  I want to bring peace to people. People typically comment on how calm I am, or how peaceful I am.  I like that I can calm people and show them peace.  It’s peace that obviously comes from the one who slept through the storm only to calmly stand up and tell it to be still.

I really want to help buy some tents for these families in the Middle East, but I do not have a penny to spare at the moment.  It’s a small thing I can do at the moment.  I’m going to be taking my measly tithe and putting a bit towards them, but one tent costs $150.  I’m wondering if people would join me in helping out?  Absolutely all the money you donate will go straight to the tents.  I know this because I’ve been helping Ben and Eve with a bit of the admin stuff for the Peace Lily Foundation.   We have such blessed lives and such safe lives in America.  I would ask that when you read what I wrote that you wouldn’t just pass this by.  I’d ask that you pray about making a donation.  If you were gonna get me a Christmas present, just donate here. http://www.peacelily.org/donate/

Faithfulness

“Where are you now?”

It’s the question I am constantly getting.  Because even within Florida I have been moving around.  A few days at one house, a couple weeks at another place, a weekend at someone’s house, a week at a resort, and back and forth.  I counted yesterday that I am on my 8th address since I left Connecticut last June.   But it’s funny because I can still recite all the post codes DE1 2HJ or MLH 5315 or 34746 and on and on.

To answer the question.  I’ve ended up in West Palm Beach.  I’d planned on Kissimmee/Orlando, assumed I’d get a job there, find a place.  Of course I should know by now not to assume anything.  I love the people up there, but there was a lot that just wasn’t feeling right.  Plus I never heard back from a single place I applied to up there.  (Do you like how I can say “up” there?  Orlando is actually north. So weird!)

On a visit to West Palm a couple weeks ago I realized I really do love being near the beach. I like cities where I can walk around.  If I’m going to be starting over I need to be somewhere I love.  The downtown area is as close to New Haven as I’ll probably get down here in Florida.  That makes me happy.  It has all the smaller New Englandy cute city feelings to it without being too spread out with ridiculous traffic like Orlando.  Palm trees are everywhere of course and it’s November but still 80 degrees!   From what I see, I like, and I’ve actually heard back from a couple places I applied to.  I’m staying with friends of a friend right now, so we’ll see what happens on the job front, but it seems maybe God is opening doors here.  Thanks to Malta and even CT transplants, I know a small handful of people in the area, so though it’s starting over yet again, I know it could be a lot worse.   I also have to go up to Kissimmee each week to continue the drama class and do a couple more shifts at Disney, so I get to see my friends up there.  Flights are booked to come home for Christmas, which is coming up soon!

We sang Great is Thy Faithfulness today at the church I visited and it hit me.  God is so faithful.  Even in the eleventh hour when I’m confused and stressed and think I’m going to be homeless all I need His hand provides. Everything keeps changing, the seasons, the sun, moon, and it all reflects His constant faithfulness.  There’s peace in knowing that.  And though I’m not sure what things look like in a couple weeks or months He gives strength for today and hope for tomorrow.  🙂  And the blessings.  Ten thousand beside.  I have been so incredibly blessed this year at all 8 of those addresses.  Each person that I’ve encountered.  I’m so grateful.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!